Feeling Everything and Nothing
My sister isn’t an “animal person.” I’ve known a few of those in my life and coincidentally, I got along with zero of them. I am an animal person, through and through. Specifically, I’m a dog person. I’ve had a dog every day of my adult life. Of all of them, my Spock was absolutely the best dog I’ve never known.
You can meet him here, if you’d like to know more about him.
I lost my Ubergoob last night. His seizures finally took him from me. The sense of loss isn’t just acute. It’s deep. It’s related to my entire circumstances now. I’m moving from a home that I built myself, taking my entire extended family with me. I’m committing to long-term care of my mother, and continuing care for my sister for as long as it takes. My youngest daughter is graduating in May, and for a lifelong homeschooler, that’s huge. My oldest is leaving for the summer. Everything is changing. And did I mention that packing sucks ass?
Losing my boy in the midst of all of this has wrecked me more than I expected it to. I’m self aware enough to know that it’s a symptom of the bigger picture, and that angers me. I want to feel grief for my Boy, without it being muddied by grief for all of the other losses I’m feeling. But I can’t tease apart the strands of individual feelings right now. I’m just grieving for it all.
Life changes. I’m okay with change. (Shut up, Marx. I am.)
I’d just like to see some changes for the better, for a change.
RIP My Constant Shadow
I will find a way to grieve for you.
I am so very sorry, Whiskey. On top of everything, this.
I’m not a dog person. The things scare the bejesus out of me, to be honest. But I am an animal person and totally get it. I’ve lost long-time animal friends that left me as despondent as losing any real human friend for just as long. I’m sorry your doggy is gone, I really am. And I don’t understand anyone who isn’t an “animal” person, either.
*big hugs* I’m so sorry.
Sometimes there are no words but I’m thinking of you, Whiskey.
((HUGE HUG)) I will carry you in my heart.
So sorry… What more can anyone say, but my thoughts are with you.
*hugs*
Don’t force it, it will come. Maybe not right now, but at some point the dust will settle and it will come. Our Dogs have a way of leaving too big a mark on our soul for it not to. It’s a mark which remains behind long after they’re gone.
But I guess you already know that.
Alex
Last night I hugged my dogs tightly and told them a story about Whiskey Day, how she doesn’t have her sweet friend to hug anymore, and how lucky I am to have them both in my life. It made me cry. I know these feelings all to well, been a dog or two by my side for my entire life. I lost my very best companion, a brilliant, strong Aussie who protected and enriched my life for 15 years, just after 9/11. I was on the road in the middle of a long tour, living in a RV with 4 other people. I had to bury him under a thicket of pines alongside the highway, marking his grave by tying my metal guitar slide to the tree overhead. I was also the leader, driver, manager etc, so I had little time to mourn outwardly, and nobody around me knew the depth of my feelings. But mourn I did, late at night, driving the freeways, as the band slept in the back, tears streaming down my face .. for miles and hundreds of miles. And I wrote poems, Odes to Big Jed, on bathroom stalls in truckstops up and down the east coast. And I remembered. In those lonely hours of highway, I remembered every crazy story that he brought into my life, every stage of our relationship, every last moment and detail that I could dredge up. And that made me smile, tears still streaming, but a wide silly smile. That’s what he left me with. I’ll never forget him.
You’ll find the time to mourn and remember, Whiskey. Steal it if you have to. And when you can, don’t feel guilty towards the humanity that you set aside for the moment. Without the beauty that dogs bring into our lives we would be less humane, less able to carry the weight of our burdens. And only you, who loved him so, can ever understand just what those feelings mean.
{{{{BIG HUGS}}} Whiskey honey. NO words can ever fix the feeling you have, I know every hug big and little does help with the soul though.
(((Whiskey))) your shadow will never leave you. In time you will remember the joy, the wonders that he brought into your life. 15 yrs ago I lost “MY” dog and still she stays with me. Yes another puppy came to live with us but “She” will never be forgotten and always loved. Feel the caring of all your friends and hope that helps a little <3
hugz.
I’ve always loved animals. I was dog obsessed as a child, although as I grew older it’s cats that hold my attention more; but I never really owned one of my own for varying reasons. It has only been recently that I have finally had the pleasure to have one enter into my life, one that I’ve truly developed the kind of bond with that I always heard people speak of, but never really could comprehend. I dread the day when I’ll have to say goodbye to him.
“…Joyful, joyful, joyful,
as only dogs know how to be happy
with only the autonomy
of their shameless spirit…”
– A Dog Has Died – Pablo Nerua
*hug*