Feeling Everything and Nothing
My sister isn’t an “animal person.” I’ve known a few of those in my life and coincidentally, I got along with zero of them. I am an animal person, through and through. Specifically, I’m a dog person. I’ve had a dog every day of my adult life. Of all of them, my Spock was absolutely the best dog I’ve never known.
You can meet him here, if you’d like to know more about him.
I lost my Ubergoob last night. His seizures finally took him from me. The sense of loss isn’t just acute. It’s deep. It’s related to my entire circumstances now. I’m moving from a home that I built myself, taking my entire extended family with me. I’m committing to long-term care of my mother, and continuing care for my sister for as long as it takes. My youngest daughter is graduating in May, and for a lifelong homeschooler, that’s huge. My oldest is leaving for the summer. Everything is changing. And did I mention that packing sucks ass?
Losing my boy in the midst of all of this has wrecked me more than I expected it to. I’m self aware enough to know that it’s a symptom of the bigger picture, and that angers me. I want to feel grief for my Boy, without it being muddied by grief for all of the other losses I’m feeling. But I can’t tease apart the strands of individual feelings right now. I’m just grieving for it all.
Life changes. I’m okay with change. (Shut up, Marx. I am.)
I’d just like to see some changes for the better, for a change.
RIP My Constant Shadow
I will find a way to grieve for you.