Away From Keyboard

blogphoto.jpg

The last straw is usually not a big one. It’s tough to predict which one will finally break the camel’s back. I know I’ve dealt with some pretty heavy shit the past couple of years, and I’ve kept going because what else do you do? It wasn’t the big burdens that took me down, the last straw was a small one in comparison.

A few months ago my family was involved in a car accident. My (new to me) car was totaled. We were lucky to walk away with what they call minor injuries. My niece suffered the worst of it with a pretty severe concussion, and the lingering issues are making her day to day life tough even now. Dealing with the insurance bullshit has added another chore to my daily list of Fucking Things To Fucking Deal With. But I’ve been dealing with them, because what else do you do?

I used the insurance payoff for my totaled car to buy the car I’ve been wanting for eons, a Volvo wagon. She’s exactly what I wanted. I felt like I’d found a bright spot in a shitty situation. 

Until the transmission started to slip. Then it started to bang. And now I’m stuck with a beautiful car that has a doomed transmission. 

This has been a final straw of sorts, for me.  This is what finally sucked me down into the spiral of depression and its numbing apathy. I have just stopped. Stopped caring, stopped feeling, stopped participating – I haven’t cared and I haven’t wanted to. The numbness was  welcome.  I’m falling asleep at odd hours and I don’t feel like I ever really wake up. And I don’t even want to.

I’ve dealt with (and written about)  depression before. I know the feel of the dark wet blanket settling over me. It’s not sadness, I know that feeling, too. Sadness is an emotion. Depression is a dulling of emotion, and a deep apathy. The truly depressed don’t even want to fight it; the muting of the senses feels too good. 

I’m working on it, though. I do still care enough to know that my home won’t function with me sleeping on the job. I care too much about the people I love to let myself slip all the way down- even as nice as that sounds sometimes.

So, I keep going. Because what else do you do? 

I don’t know when I’ll be back. I wouldn’t know how to swim to the surface if I could even find in which direction it lies. For now I’m floating near bottom, and the numbness is a relief. For now.

 

54 thoughts on “Away From Keyboard

  1. Dear Whiskey,

    I often thought of you lately, felt you were going through a tough time.
    I’ve felt it coming…
    Through your art, you have given things of great human value and delicate insight to many people.
    I and many others have come to love you!
    And at this moment, where words hardly make it, that’s the only thing I want to tell you:
    I AND MANY OTHERS LOVE YOU !!! Pls feel us…

  2. OMG what rotten luck you’ve been having :(((. Big hug! So good to hear from you again though… wish I could send you some strength to keep fighting – my thoughts are with you.

  3. Didn’t you get your car from a dealer, used or otherwise? Don’t you have a warranty? :(

    Elora and I have been wondering about you, lady. Everyone misses you around these parts. I hope everything works out and you get back to making art and enjoying at least a little of your life.

  4. I miss you Monday :c We all do, but it’s good to see you are able to wrote these words, means that you’re not losing to it, but fighting it, and unwilling to submit to it no matter the temptation. That’s admirable on it’s own. I hope the time when you’re free again from this comes soon, but i appalled you and wait over here with the rest of plurk and the sl community sliently cheering you on <3
    – Rose <3

  5. How very beautifully written….and thank you for finally getting it into words for me. That’s how it feels here too and why I’ve been a little absent as well. But big big hugz to you lady! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with the extra bullshit. :( Know you are loved and missed and appreciated. (and yes…I’m aware of the run on) :P Hang in there sister and we’ll see you on the other side of the wormhole! <3 MUWAH!! <3

  6. wow, Whiskey, so sorry to hear of your shitty luck, I really *do* hope things pick up for you soon… But I also wanted to say “thank-you”, for your honest, and frank, words about depression. I have suspected for some time that I might, in fact, be depressed. Things are shitty in my rl, which I won’t discuss here, but the absolute numbness and total apathy is exactly how I feel… and it’s frightening how truelly, comfortable and “safe” this apathy and numbness is… here’s hoping we can both find a way out of it! *hugs*

  7. Whiskey – We are all here for you in any extent we can be. Like Grazia said earlier, from one depressed person to another, we’re here to try to make it better, to hear your words. We miss you and your words <3

  8. I’ve dealt with depression for a good part of my life and I know exactly how you feel. Granted, though I had my share of hurdles to deal with I never had hurdles as tough as yours.

    I know you never asked for help, Whiskey, but I think it’s time all those who care for you get together and give you a hand. Nobody should be left alone struggling with so many trying events.

    Is anyone willing to give me a hand with this? Please?

  9. I wish I knew how to make things all better, because I care about you and don’t want you to suffer.

    Please know that you are loved, by many, and we want to know when you’re feeling (or not-feeling) this way and want to be included in your life because you matter. And know that even if we don’t know how to help, we deeply want to. Please take care of yourself as best you can.

  10. I’m so sorry you are going thru such a struggle right now, Depression is cyclical, this will pass. I doubt these words are much consolation – as when people say that to me, it doesn’t erase the pain or struggle.

    Please keep in mind the many that care for you.
    I have suffered from depression most of my life and your pictures and words have made a difference in my life and i’m sure to many others.

  11. Your witty tweets always made me smile, even when I was depressed. That’s something right? You are worthy of a great love, I hope it finds you soon.

  12. Thank you for checking in, Whiskey — typical of your kindness that you would make the effort. Who knows, maybe it is a step out/up? Because there will be a step up/out.

  13. Whiskey, was happy to see that you posted something, letting us know where you had gone to. We are here for you cherie, we do care, and many of us do comprehend the journey of depression, we dont understand your particular journey, we dont walk in your shoes, but we walk on a road very similar, a road that you are not alone on. We may not be able to solve the problems, we might however with a hand and a kind word, shed some light when that “dark goo” as I call depression, sinks its gloom into us and tries to drown us. ♥ from this here Cajun.

  14. Having lived a life filled with bouts of deep, dark depressions, what I’ve learned is that sometimes you have to wallow in it before you can get to the other side… but you always get to the other side. Here’s hoping you get there sooner than later.

    I don’t know if what I’ve said here makes you feel any better, but, in order to make myself feel better, I shall commence writing an angry letter to Volvo, blaming them for my lack of Whiskey. They will have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, but that never stopped me before.

    Take care of yourself, Whiskey. You are a precious person in an often wretched world.

    …Dres

  15. You are sorely missed, my Dear…keeping you and your family in my thoughts. If anyone can make it through this, it’s your amazing self. We’re here if you need us. Much love… <33

  16. I’m so sorry to hear of these latest challenges, Whiskey. I so hope you’re able to break out of your spiral and rediscover joy. Hugs to you and your family.

  17. Miss you. A lot. All the “cheer up!”s don’t mean a damn thing when you’re where you are, so I won’t. But I miss you, and I’m right here. I don’t mind waiting.

  18. I hope that writing about your depression is the beginning of recovery. Until someone has experienced it they have no idea how debilitating it can be. Knowing you are loved and missed may not make a difference right now, but my hope is that it soon will. When you’re ready, come back to us. Whole, healthy and full of the spirit that only Whiskey can bring <3

  19. Hang in there, you beautiful soul. I’ve been to that place where you are, and still visit it from time to time. There are a lot of caring people here who miss your wit, your smile, your brilliance, and your artistry. Thank you for being you.

  20. I do not know what to say, exept that your work on this blog give us a lot, and I hope you will find such a source of reconfort for you in this hard times. Hugzs !

  21. I’m sure you have gotten all the advice you can stand, but I would contact a TV station. The ones in our area have a community and/or a consumer reporter. Give them your story, ask them to help with you getting your car fixed by the place that sold it to you. Get your story out there. You have a right to be lucky this time of the year.

  22. I don’t know you all that well but I feel like we share a connection in our love for photography. Send me an email if you want to talk or do some other mindless activity like Star Wars The Old Republic (sheesh another game right, LOL).

    Take Care Whiskey and I will see you soon.

  23. Oh and one other thing, LOL. Oddly enough I seem to drift away from Second Life when I am not feeling all that strong about my first life. One would think the opposite would be the norm. I understand though why you feel the need to take a break. We will be here when you get back.

  24. Be well girl, we are all thinkin about you *Huggss* and i do the same as Elle, drift away from the virtual when im not on top…as right now. Im an introvert i need to save the energy and I dont have the stamina to mingle.

  25. Hope you’re floating Whiskey…
    Happy Christmas – I wish you and your family all the best.
    Take care of yourself – and when you feel strong enough, please come back here too :)

  26. I do not particularly like the Christmas holidays but I make an effort to leave good memories for my daughters. We have just finished dinner all together for Christmas Eve, now, they have gone to the house of their friends and I’m here on my PC. I do not know why I immediately look for your blog, maybe I was hoping to find some new words from you, something new and positive. But no, nothing new.
    Ok, I’m not very good with the good wishes but I just wanted to let you know that on this Christmas Eve, I thought of you.
    A big hug.
    pallina60 Loon

  27. Whiskey, If you read this, know that we all miss you and your inspiring art.
    I so much hope for you to come back…. Go a little slower then, so not to burn out from the energy of the outpouring.

    May your RL be a little easier by now… That’s what I hope for you…

    We can’t forget you…

    With love and compassion,
    Yak
    .

Talk to me, people.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 284 other followers

%d bloggers like this: